The Guide to the Guides

We know how to do everything. Here, we tell you how to do it, usually in 10 easy steps.

Gunda Dialogue Quiz

Simple. There are questions about hypothetical situations in life; the answer to each is (usually) a dialogue from the greatest of all movies, Gunda. 

There are two levels of questions - Pote (easy) and Pote ke baap (difficult). The answers are at the end. Give yourself the following awards based on your score (1 for an easy question correct, 2 for a difficult question correct.) Post your scores in the comments.

0-5: You have never watched Gunda, or you have forgotten it. What is life for if not to watch Gunda?

5-26: OK, at least you've watched Gunda, but you don't qualify as a true devotee of Prabhuji yet (since you can't recite the dialogues backwards in Chinese). As penance, please watch it once a day for the rest of your life.

27: You're good! Want to join Lolland?

Level 1 - Pote (easy). Answers at the bottom.

1.1. What would a primary school student who really hates learning about even numbers say to his/her teacher?

1.2. So there's this person whose job is to pair up couples for a short term relationship. What is the slogan of his company?

1.3. What did the fruitseller ask the customer?

1.4. I had a very short son. I sent him to the well known height improvement specialist, Lambu Aata. When I saw him after the treatment he was dead ten inches taller. What did I say to him?

1.5. What would a man with honest neighbours, who had no problems keeping his front door opened and unlocked, say?

1.6. What did Calvin's father tell him after he had bought a new toy animal to replace Hobbes?

1.7. Imagine that Yudhishtira had a son at the time of the first dice game against the Kauravas. What would the son have said after Yudhishtira wagered him and lost?

1.8. How did the Undertaker initially want to introduce himself in the WWE, before wiser counsels prevailed? (for the uninitiated, the Undertaker is a supernatural undead zombie being)

1.9. What is the best pick-up exchange ever?

Level 2 - Pote ke baap (difficult). This needs deep knowledge of the epic movie.

2.1. What did America tell itself before voting George W. Bush Jr. into office?

2.2. (Not from Gunda, but still...) What did Haseena sing after Bulla had thrown away her baby? Or, what did the baby sing after being thrown away?

2.3. What did the safari guide tell the enthusiastic tourists?

2.4. What did Kasab's lawyer tell him?

2.5. Where are colleges situated? (not a dialogue, just Gunda general knowledge :P)

2.6. What is the Pfizer company considering as the next tagline for their most famous product?

2.7. How do people greet their friends after watching the movie 2012?

2.8. What would money say to people like Bill Gates and Mukesh Ambani if it could speak?

2.9. (Related) How would Shankar the crimefighting pimp describe his business strategy?

Answers

Level 1

1.1. Do chaar chhe aath dus...bas!

1.2. Maine unka bhi date fix kiya haaaaiiii

1.3. Khayega kela?

1.4. Lambu Aate ne tujhe lamba kar diya? (obviously I wouldn't ask my son the rest, but I put it in anyway) Maachis ki tili ko khamba kar diya?

1.5. Main rakhta hoon khulla.

1.6. Yeh aapka sada hua tiger nahin hai.

1.7. Mera naam hai XYZ, jo apne baap ke bhi nahin hote.

1.8. Maa chudail ki beti, baap shaitan ka chela.

1.9. None other than the Gulshan meeting exchange:

- Tum kitne achhe ho!
- Tum bhi bahut khoobsurat ho.

This is guaranteed to lead to a dance and a wedding, within the span of 5 minutes (dance) or 2 days (wedding).

Level 2

2.1. Baap pe Poot, Pita pe ghoda, Kuch nahi to thoda thoda.

2.2. Bulla ki jaana main kaun...

2.3. Yeh jo kaala gainda hai na, iske saath jhagda mat kijiye.

2.4. Mil gayi tere ko saza? Par tu ghabrana mat. Main tera case Supreme Court tak ladunga. Aur haan, jail mein tere liye daaru naki, khaane-peene ke liye chicken-mutton naki aur dekhne ke liye TV naki. Mahine mein ek baar...

2.5. Across miles of rocky arid desert land, far away from civilization, so that young female students of the college can have their honour violated by the gangs of thugs that routinely patrol this land.

2.6. Woh buddhha kuchh karta nahin hai.

2.7. Tum hum logon ke liye woh comedy film hai jiski end bahut tragic hai.

2.8. Main gareebon ke liye hero hoon, aur tum jaise logon ke liye villain.

2.9. Main hoon jurm se nafrat karne wala, sharifon ke liye jyoti, gundon ke liye jwala.

How to Spot a Gay Twilight Vampire

With the release of the Twilight movie, gay vampires suddenly have come into vogue. People dress up as gay vampires making it difficult for good God-fearing men to spot them and drive a stake through their bleeding emo hearts. With the release of the second movie, we fear there might be a widespread epidemic when depressed and suicidal blood-suckers with bad makeup might be able to roam freely among humans converting them to their wrist-slitting ways. We have to stop them and destroy them.

The first step is to identify them.

1. Hair.

Anyone can put on make-up, but true gay vampires take centuries to grow their signature hair that no human can hope to in their short lifespans. You need to not bathe for atleast a hundred years to get hair like this. There you go, a surefire way to spot the twilight vampire when you go hunting. And if you happen to find a human who is 100 years old, has never bathed and is wearing twilight make-up, well he deserves to die anyway.

those are some 200 year old eyebrows.

2. Constipation

Why constipation you ask? Well, gay vampires do not eat or drink human food, they just drink blood. That means they are not getting any fiber. And guess what blood does best, it clots. So although we have yet to dissect one, we're pretty sure these sunlight-hating lipgloss-wearing dudes have one majorly blocked up asshole.


3. Gaiety

Ok. Lets get this out of the way. Granted, Kristen Stewart is not the sexiest woman in the world. Still she does seem decently hot from atleast a few digitally retouched camera angles. If she's in bed wearing just a shirt willing to have sex with you no matter what you do, the only thing you do not do is NOT have sex with her. And if you instead spend the night talking to her comparing your nailpolish, then you better not be a vampire. 'Coz if you are, we're going to kill you.

4. Sparkle

Humans do not sparkle when exposed to sunlight. The cool vampires avoid sunlight because that would heat them up. But the gay vampire theory proposes that they avoid sunlight to avoid having to perpetually run in fast forward away from all the underage chicks drooling over their sparkling bodies. Well it doesn't matter if you are the son of Satan, have 3 balls and rinse your mouth with blood and vodka every night, if in any context you replace "agonising death by burning in holy fire" with "sparkle like a diamond"... well you are queerer than Karan Johar, my friend.
So if you see pale dead skin, lip gloss, eyeliner, plastic hair and a sparkling body, get your stake out and kill it.
Just make sure its not a SpArKle Barbie.









One of the above is a vampire, the other is a Twilight vampire.

How to Get Rich Quick in India

Of course everyone wants to get rich. Dont pretend like you don't, we know you do. So as always, we oblige and give you the latest get-rich-quick schemes, ones that work. 

Now we know what you are thinking. If these are surefire schemes, why haven't we tried them and become rich ourselves? Because you know that we wouldn't be here posting lame jokes if we were plentifully endowed with gold coins. Well on that note, let us also suggest that posting lame jokes on Facebook is NOT a way to get rich, quick or otherwise. But the reason why we have not employed these methods to get rich is not that we care about the hapless populace of Lolland who would surely kill themselves in aimless anguish were it not for the Ruling Trinity. The reason has more to do with our ultimate goal... we dont want to arouse any suspicion before we take over the world and dest... uhmm ahem... so, the Get Rich Schemes. 

If you know any more, tell the world, in the Comments section.

1. Round up all the stray animals on the road and sell them
One of the least-investment-highest-return schemes - just a little effort and you can make millions. Cows, dogs, cats, cat-sized rats... its all out there. And if some Indians dont want to buy weak, underfed animals, sell them to Americans. It's the latest in-thing there to adopt malnutritionized (OK, that's not a word) pets and feed them back to health. 

2. Hire 2 goons to beat up the Domino's pizza delivery guy on his way to your delivery (or do it yourself)
The genius of this plan: A. You could tie up with Pizza Hut, so they will pay you to make Domino's lose money. B. You get free pizza for a late (even if the delay is caused by you) delivery. Now that's a good deal. 

3. Become a beggar
You knew it before we said it. It's a booming business that's just coming of age. So don't miss it. Proof: 1, 2, 3.

4. Self mutilate, invest in a sari and start frequenting trains, traffic lights and whatever else comes to mind
One of the smartest money making schemes, this one even comes with perks. You will get free unlimited train travel and be able bless and grant people wishes, and they give you non-taxable money. That's almost like being an MP, and you won't even lose your power in the next election. 

5. Sell bottled tap water
We know its already being done by RailNeer, but only at a grassroot individual level. Make it a business, recruit sellers, and set up a plant... lots of money. 

6. Gatecrash weddings, steal truckloads of food, eat all you want and sell the rest
Although weddings are good for quality of food, in case you are afraid of being caught, try any jagran or rath yatra. If you know Om Jai Jagdish... , you are safe.

7. Stand outside a theatre
And tell people the surprise ending of all boring but suspenseful movies and charge them per hour of time saved. 

8. Hold coaching classes for minesweeper and solitaire
After all, that's what IT, finance and consulting professionals get paid to do all day, they might as well do it good, and spread the love by teaching others to play it. 

9. The Judas Kiss
RIAA sues people pirating songs for 2,500,000$ per song. So sell out all your free downloader friends to RIAA in exchange for half the money.

10. Start a service to find original and unique, but still meaningful names for new-born babies
Sample name - Kinkarttavyavimoodh. Oh yeah! 

11. Go around houses offering to empty the computer Recycle Bins for Rs 10 
You'd be surprised how many people will actually let you. You could also be offering essential computer services (removing viruses, Internet Explorer and history of visited sites) for Rs. 1000. The best thing about this plan is that the type of person who would pay you for this won't even know if you mess it up. 

12. Invest in a policeman uniform, dress up and fine people 
You will be making so much money you'll be buying gold stars to put on your uniform. And if a real policeman catches you, just give him Rs 500 and find a new spot. Or start checking tickets in buses or trains or both. We're talking serious money here.

13. Become a priest
And tell everyone that your God's specialty is making people's wishes come true. And ya, make sure NRIs get to know about it. 

14. Make classes end early
Take Re. 1 from each student in every school in the country, and use 5-10% of the collection to bribe all the peons to make the end-of-class bells ring 5 minutes early. 

15. Meet people
Dress up like a celeb, show up in Juhu or some big South Bombay pub and make a friend of yours charge people to see you. You wont get caught since, by definition, a Page 3 celeb == wannabe unknown person with wannabe mindless fans.

16. Attack a traffic policeman
Replace him and keep the lights permanently red for one side, and collect toll from people on the other side. If an angry mob from the stopped side come after you, take the money and run, or teach the people on your side real life GTA. 

17. Advertise a gamble in the newspaper
If you promise good enough odds, some stupid rich guy will always be willing. Bet with anyone stupid enough to give you odds on:

- Australia winning the next World Cup 
- India winning the next World Cup 
- BJP forming any government anywhere in the next 5 years 
- Oil prices going down 
- Osama being captured by America 
- Anyone taking the Nobel Peace Prize seriously anymore
- The Lolland writers getting any friends other than stray dogs and each other

Disclaimer: all these things are extremely evil and illegal. If you try any of them, you will have a high chance of meeting us in jail.