Guides: How to Spot a Gay Twilight Vampire

With the release of the Twilight movie, gay vampires suddenly have come into vogue. People dress up as gay vampires making it difficult for good God-fearing men to spot them and drive a stake through their bleeding emo hearts. With the release of the second movie, we fear there might be a widespread epidemic when depressed and suicidal blood-suckers with bad makeup might be able to roam freely among humans converting them to their wrist-slitting ways. We have to stop them and destroy them.

The first step is to identify them.

1. Hair.

Anyone can put on make-up, but true gay vampires take centuries to grow their signature hair that no human can hope to in their short lifespans. You need to not bathe for atleast a hundred years to get hair like this. There you go, a surefire way to spot the twilight vampire when you go hunting. And if you happen to find a human who is 100 years old, has never bathed and is wearing twilight make-up, well he deserves to die anyway.

those are some 200 year old eyebrows.

2. Constipation

Why constipation you ask? Well, gay vampires do not eat or drink human food, they just drink blood. That means they are not getting any fiber. And guess what blood does best, it clots. So although we have yet to dissect one, we're pretty sure these sunlight-hating lipgloss-wearing dudes have one majorly blocked up asshole.

3. Gaiety

Ok. Lets get this out of the way. Granted, Kristen Stewart is not the sexiest woman in the world. Still she does seem decently hot from atleast a few digitally retouched camera angles. If she's in bed wearing just a shirt willing to have sex with you no matter what you do, the only thing you do not do is NOT have sex with her. And if you instead spend the night talking to her comparing your nailpolish, then you better not be a vampire. 'Coz if you are, we're going to kill you.

4. Sparkle

Humans do not sparkle when exposed to sunlight. The cool vampires avoid sunlight because that would heat them up. But the gay vampire theory proposes that they avoid sunlight to avoid having to perpetually run in fast forward away from all the underage chicks drooling over their sparkling bodies. Well it doesn't matter if you are the son of Satan, have 3 balls and rinse your mouth with blood and vodka every night, if in any context you replace "agonising death by burning in holy fire" with "sparkle like a diamond"... well you are queerer than Karan Johar, my friend.
So if you see pale dead skin, lip gloss, eyeliner, plastic hair and a sparkling body, get your stake out and kill it.
Just make sure its not a SpArKle Barbie.